I have wondered for a while if hostels add some sort of hormones to the beer they sell. What is it about being away from home that makes you all want to exchange bodily fluids? I will now state for the record you are all free to hump (no one ever uses ‘hump’ to describe sex anymore. Bring back humping I say!) whoever you want. My only request is can you try to do it away from me?
If, like me, you have ever had to listen to someone else doing the horizontal mambo, you’ll know how annoying it is.
There is an article on this fine website explaining the best places to carry out your uncontrollable urges (How to have sex in a dorm room (privately)), like any of you need encouragement!) including the following places: Cupboards, TV lounges, the roof or get a room.
I’d like to respond this article if I may, and even if I may not I’m going to anyway!
First option, toilets. Who are these desperate souls who feel the urge to release their man juice so much that they are going to use a toilet in a hostel? Unless I am mistaken I can see several issues with using this as your preferred boudoir. Firstly I’m guessing that this game of hide the sausage is not going to take place at 10.30am just after they have been cleaned. Nooo your timing will most likely be close to 3am when one hundred other unhygienic people have already pissed on the floor, walls or anywhere else they can reach. I have watched a bloke in a hostel toilet pee on his own head, an impressive skill but I wouldn’t put it on a job application.
Wait, I hear you cry, you would use the girls toilets because girls are made of flowers and nice smelly things and they would never make a mess. Now I must admit that my experience of female toilets is limited. The only time I have even been in a ladies loo was when we used to hide while the landlord kicked the strangers out so we could have a ’lock in’ at my local pub. But I am married, and my wife has many a time commented on her fellow members of the fairer sex’s lack of ability to actually pee in the toilet. I can’t work this out myself but I think they must have some sort of sprinkler attachment.
So unless you like to stand in pee and lean against the wall where some friend of humanity has wiped the contents of his roman nose, I would give them a miss.
Linen cupboards, well it’s alright if you can get away with it. Just a warning though if I even see a strange stain on my lovely hostel bed linen, I will find you and make you lick the fungus from between my toes.
TV lounges, go for your life, got to be better than watching dancing with the stars. You could even get dressed up in sequined spandex and provide score cards. We’ll all give you marks for style and technique.
Ahh, the old hostel roof next. Well a word to the wise, don’t try that down here in Christchurch or your arse will turn to a block of ice. Might be a better bet in the summer when you could collect a fine selection of mozzie bites on places you didn’t know you had.
Which brings us to, get a room. Now that sounds like an idea. There are downsides to this though. You’ll more than likely go to bed with the funniest, sexiest person who has ever donned a backpack. The problem being that you will wake up with a bag of wind that smells like kebabs. All your mates or indeed that old strange looking beardy man from the bar might be in the room next door, it’s not like hostels have metre thick walls.
Thanks to Yvonne Pearce for the original article on which this rant is based, and at the end of the day, the choice is yours. Wherever you end up, put your boots on before you get your feet wet, OK?
Oh and if you are having sex in a hostel in the room next to me, make it quick. Any more than five minutes makes me look bad.
About the Author: Mick Bates went on a wander from Newcastle, England a few years ago. Trip advisor on facebook tells him he's been to about 140 cities in 20 countries, so lots more to see yet. He is as miserable as he seems.